“I would like a refill”, she said without looking up. “I’m sorry Ma’am but we’re closed for today”, the middle-aged waiter told her nervously. She looked up at the waiter and stared with helpless eyes. Then quietly stood up, took her coat off the chair and slowly walked out of the bar. Her feet felt weak, her head dizzy. The gush of cold wind hit her face the moment she stepped out. She stood there still feeling the wind tear her skin wishing to lose all her senses and just give up. Why couldn’t she have the easy way out for once? She looked up. The stars that once gave her company had vanished. All she could see was a dark, dense sky.
It was midnight. The streets were asleep. The silence that was once insanely beautiful was screaming at her tonight. “What is it that you want? You had better tell me now. I don’t want this drama every day.” His words kept echoing in her head. She never had an answer to that question. Even today, she is looking for an answer. She wanted him. But she could not say it.
Tired, she started walking into the dead of the night. Her hands were cold, her lips dry. Timidly she wiped her tongue on the dry lips to comfort them. But who would comfort her? All she wanted was a shoulder to cry on but all she got were opinions and warnings to be careful the next time.
Next time? Was there ever going to be a next time? This wasn’t some movie. There was no guarantee that the ending would be a happy one. The people who were once her BFFs were now strangers. She could never decipher their talks or their presence. Were they there for her or not? Too many questions but no one to answer them.
Standing outside her apartment, staring at the door, she wished if someone from inside would open the door and embrace her. She was dreaming of course. Letting out a vulnerable sigh, she unlocked the door and walked in. The cleanliness and order of things disturbed her. She liked mess. Apparently, nothing she liked was with her now. Dropping the coat on the floor, she walked up to the windowsill and sat there staring into the dark silent night.
She knew she had lost it all. That it would never be the same again. Those gone days were just memories now. Memories she wished to forget. They made her miserable. A part of her had died when he left. He was the one who had given her a reason to live, to smile, to believe that she was also one of the lucky ones. Today those smiles make her heart ache. How could she be so stupid? She felt ugly.
How can one person affect her so much that every time she remembered him the pain became unbearable? She longed to see him. She wanted him to look at her and smile like nothing had ever happened. But she was expecting a lot. And it was these expectations that were the cause of her agony.
The sudden loud ring of her phone startled her. She hadn’t noticed she was crying. Gently wiping the tears off her eyes, she got up to answer the phone.
“Hey! I hope I didn’t disturb you. Were you asleep?”
“No. It’s okay. What’s up?”
“Umm… I was wondering if you could come a little early tomorrow so that we can have a rehearsal before the final presentation.”
“Yeah sure. No problem.”
“Great. See you tomorrow then. Bye.”
It was quiet again. She stared at the phone debating whether to call him or not. She didn’t want to sound desperate even though she was. The tears had made their way back to her eyes. She knew it was just her. He wasn’t thinking about her. Hell! He would be busy talking to some other girl. Feeling like a fool, she went to the bed and cuddled herself in a blanket. She was tired. Listlessly she closed her eyes letting the last tear make its way down her cheek.