Darkest Nights

“I would like a refill”, she said without looking up. “I’m sorry Ma’am but we’re closed for today”, the middle-aged waiter told her nervously. She looked up at the waiter and stared with helpless eyes. Then quietly stood up, took her coat off the chair and slowly walked out of the bar. Her feet felt weak, her head dizzy. The gush of cold wind hit her face the moment she stepped out. She stood there still feeling the wind tear her skin wishing to lose all her senses and just give up. Why couldn’t she have the easy way out for once? She looked up. The stars that once gave her company had vanished. All she could see was a dark, dense sky.

It was midnight. The streets were asleep. The silence that was once insanely beautiful was screaming at her tonight. “What is it that you want? You had better tell me now. I don’t want this drama every day.” His words kept echoing in her head. She never had an answer to that question. Even today, she is looking for an answer. She wanted him. But she could not say it. 

Tired, she started walking into the dead of the night. Her hands were cold, her lips dry. Timidly she wiped her tongue on the dry lips to comfort them. But who would comfort her? All she wanted was a shoulder to cry on but all she got were opinions and warnings to be careful the next time.

Next time? Was there ever going to be a next time? This wasn’t some movie. There was no guarantee that the ending would be a happy one. The people who were once her BFFs were now strangers. She could never decipher their talks or their presence. Were they there for her or not? Too many questions but no one to answer them.

Standing outside her apartment, staring at the door, she wished if someone from inside would open the door and embrace her. She was dreaming of course. Letting out a vulnerable sigh, she unlocked the door and walked in. The cleanliness and order of things disturbed her. She liked mess. Apparently, nothing she liked was with her now. Dropping the coat on the floor, she walked up to the windowsill and sat there staring into the dark silent night.

She knew she had lost it all. That it would never be the same again. Those gone days were just memories now. Memories she wished to forget. They made her miserable. A part of her had died when he left. He was the one who had given her a reason to live, to smile, to believe that she was also one of the lucky ones. Today those smiles make her heart ache. How could she be so stupid? She felt ugly.

How can one person affect her so much that every time she remembered him the pain became unbearable? She longed to see him. She wanted him to look at her and smile like nothing had ever happened. But she was expecting a lot. And it was these expectations that were the cause of her agony.

The sudden loud ring of her phone startled her. She hadn’t noticed she was crying. Gently wiping the tears off her eyes, she got up to answer the phone.

“Hello”

“Hey! I hope I didn’t disturb you. Were you asleep?”

“No. It’s okay. What’s up?”

“Umm… I was wondering if you could come a little early tomorrow so that we can have a rehearsal before the final presentation.”

“Yeah sure. No problem.”

“Great. See you tomorrow then. Bye.”

“Bye.”

It was quiet again. She stared at the phone debating whether to call him or not. She didn’t want to sound desperate even though she was. The tears had made their way back to her eyes. She knew it was just her. He wasn’t thinking about her. Hell! He would be busy talking to some other girl. Feeling like a fool, she went to the bed and cuddled herself in a blanket. She was tired. Listlessly she closed her eyes letting the last tear make its way down her cheek.  

The Much Hyped 'Love'

Often people ask me “Do you even have any feelings?” Because according to them I am that sarcastic person who hates everything and everybody. This BTW is not true. (Not to forget the question is wrongly framed). I am after all a normal human being with thankfully no psychological disabilities. I feel, I sense, I observe. The only difference is I prefer not to exaggerate.

Love is not that big a deal, really. It's just sensationalized, romanticized and commercialized. It is after all just a simple feeling. It is not that dramatic as they show in the movies. What they show in the movies is the exaggerated version, which is so perhaps to highlight the factor or the moment. However, it is amusing how the 21^st century’s fast, intelligent and forward generation is swathed away with the idea of falling in love. How they try to implement the reel life situations in real life and are then heartbroken when the consequences fail their expectations.

Moreover, the young girls out there need to understand this – “Fairy Tales Don’t Exist”. There isn’t going to be any prince charming. There won’t be any romantic songs. Real life is not reel life. If the guy who you like doesn’t like you back, leave it. Don’t fret and for heaven’s sake don’t try to find solace in those creepy heartbreak songs. Understand this – there is a lot more to life. Love is just a part of life and not the other way round. It is sad how everyone follows a standard line of thought when apparently ‘heartbroken’. There is forwarding of some horribly cheesy SMSs, liking of weird Facebook pages, status updates and tweets that practically don’t make any sense.

This is where parents come in. If there is good amount of understanding and the BFF kind of relationship then a lot of that drama can be avoided. I feel so. I haven’t experienced any of it but I share a bond with my mother where I can tell her almost anything. And that is a relief because for one I know that she will understand.

It is amusing how very few Indian parents are actually talking about this with their children. Most of them shy away from it considering it a social evil. Perhaps they are worried about the extreme consequences. Which I think will not happen if the trust factor is maintained. Parents need to understand and adapt to the changing scenarios. Otherwise, their fears might just become reality mocking them.

Friends are equally important but nobody can replace the two pillars of our lives. They are who they are and by no means can their presence be neglected. In addition, I have managed to compile 450 odd words up there that qualifies for a new post.

I think I really need to work on my beginnings and endings. Don’t you think?       

All That I Am, Or Ever Hope To Be, I Owe It To My Angel Mother!

Mother…how naturally we use this term. But are we even tenuously aware of the magnitude of this name in our lives. I’m pretty sure it would be impossible for us to imagine life without MOM. She is like our backbone. Isn’t it?

For me… well my mom was the first soothing touch, the first feel... the angel sent from God whom I saw when I opened my eyes for the first time. I can imagine that warming face smiling at me giving me all the confidence that no matter whatever happens, she will not leave my side. Even if the whole world will be against me, I know she will be standing right by my side supporting me.

It’s not possible for me to imagine all that my mom has done for me. Cause she just gave without ever asking for anything in return. Not even thanks! I know you guys must be thinking that I am not saying anything new here. But just close your eyes and think for a moment. Try to see the angelic, warm, comforting face of your mom and I bet you, you too will think on the same thread.

There have been innumerable times when I fought with her, accused her for interfering in my so called ‘personal’ life. But she never complained. The next moment, seeing a tear in my eye she came running and hugged me like nothing was wrong. I am versed with how guilty I feel when I lie to her or speak rudely to her.

It’s next to impossible for me to pay back for all she has happily sacrificed for me. She didn’t leave a single stone unturned…did all she could…go to all possible lengths just so that my wants were met. Who does that? She is that one person who will be enchanted to know about your achievements. The smile on her face is to die for. It’s when you have completely given up; she comes from behind and tells you “It’s not yet over. Go on. I’m with you”.

Its Mother’s Day today…but believe me guys, every day is Mother’s Day. How many times have you hugged your mother tightly and told her you love her? If you haven’t done it yet then do it NOW! Tell her that you love her. Instead of living your life for your boyfriend/girlfriend who you are not sure will be with you the next day or not, live for your MOM. Cause she will be with you forever and always. We are in this world all because of her.

I dedicate this post to my mumma.

Mumma, this is to tell you how much I love you. I love that half an hour of chat that we have when I’m home from work. When you patiently listen to all that I have to say. Thank you for being so patient with me. Thank you for always being by my side and giving me that confidence that I can do it. Whatever little I am today, whatever little I have achieved till now is all yours…cause had you not given me that moral support, had you not given me the assurance nothing would have happened. You are like a bank where I deposit all my worries and hurt. It's so wonderful that I can share everything with you. I don't have to think before telling you something. I am so thankful to God that he gave me YOU! Even if I have nothing, I know I have you!

I love you…more than anything else in this whole wide world!